I don’t really have a positive spin today as I write. Normally, I would choose not to write or publish today’s thoughts. However, I really want to push myself to be truly transparent, even if it rubs in an awkward way. This is our chaotic pineapple here, us messy moms. So read on for the thoughts of a mother in a slump.

This last month has been an INTENSE mothering month. It hasn’t been bad or dark…just insanely exhausting and all-consuming. Grandparents have been unavailable which means I have been full time, day in and day out mothering. My husband has been working wild hours on labor intensive jobs and has been doing the best he can to parent full-time when he is home. The best way I can describe this month is this: you know when you have a partner, you hope they can be strong when you are weak and you hope you are strong when they need you. It often works out this way, and that is why two is better than one. This month is the opposite. We have both been weak and there has been no help. We have just had to embrace the rhythm of the daily grind.

Wake up all too early, pour the cheerios, change diapers, try to sleep an extra few minutes while the toddler watches a show and the baby hopefully doesn’t. Chug that cup of coffee. Pound out those scrambled eggs and bagels. Crying baby goes in floor seat to make a mess of her breakfast and a 1 foot circular perimeter around her. Toddler steals her food and pulls the pony tail out of her hair. After a quick clean up, we stumble outside to a rapidly heating up summer day. Toddler wants to jump on trampoline with me. I can’t imagine anything else that I DON’T want to do more. Baby needs nursing and a nap. We’re in the trailer with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cranked up to 30 so toddler can hear it over the blowing of the AC…etc… I could keep going. And I did. I just deleted it all because it was more exhausting to read than it needed to be. And I’m not trying to exhaust you, my dear reader.

Now my baby has a fresh diaper, she’s had her snack and some milkies. I can tell she’s tired and not wanting to sleep. She’s just a grumpy little human right now, and I’m the same. It’s not helpful to try to be the superhero. I need to recharge a little bit. I need to help myself get to a calm, more giving space. So she’s in her crib with a couple pacifiers and her blankie, and I hope she will be able to fall asleep eventually. And I am breathing some deep breaths and sipping a second cup of coffee while taking a moment to myself for the first time since early this morning. Sometimes, that’s just what I have to do.

Historically, I’ve dealt with these tough days by digging my heels in and trying to find “strength” within me to keep being this AMAZING, self-sacrificing mom that can regulate myself in a millisecond and get back to being present and affectionate with my children. It’s hard to see that that attitude is making matters worse.

The reality is that when I put on my cape and summon my badassery I let myself down HARD. I just hit the wall harder and faster. I just end up losing my shit at my children or glowering the whole day away in shame because I’m not able to fix myself or the problem.

We’ve all got to learn to “let go” in those moments when we’re especially struggling and get real with ourselves. We’ve all got to learn to let go of the extremely unhelpful inner dialogue that keeps us in a negative headspace. We’ve got to learn to opt-out of survival mode motherhood and learn how to be creative with and responsible for what we CAN control.

It’s a process of learning what works. With only a little shade to you sourdough moms, I don’t think baking a loaf of sourdough bread everyday is going to “do the trick” for me, and taking a daily relaxation bath is impossible in a trailer (WHY? OH WHY?). But you know what works well for me? Doing what Bluey’s mom did by stepping away for “TEN MINUTES”.

By stepping away and letting go of the moment, I am telling my body that I have a choice to be in survival mode or not. I can’t control the things that are out of control: the children’s moods, the endless mess, the trapped feeling of serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner to my children on the ground in a trailer.

But I CAN tell myself “just breath and ride the waves”. I CAN step outside and take some deep breaths. I CAN put away my cell phone for an hour to lessen the overall stimulation. I CAN sit down for a moment with a glass of water or cup of tea, insisting to my children to play by themselves for a moment (Obviously, a baby doesn’t get this, but that’s where some pack n play time is helpful). I CAN choose not to agree with the mom guilt. I CAN turn on a worship song and pray for help (which is what I do more often than not).

Moms aren’t victims of their children, and we need to stop acting that way.